Friday, December 20, 2013

11 to twenty 14.

My quote has just been renewed. Yeay. Well, it has been a while since i wrote something in this blog. I just did not have the time and passion to read. I was not that busy but I just changed. This blog is used to be the place that I expressed myself and all the problems will be listed here, but when was that again? Seven month ago? Heh. Okay la, i just write a few issues then i'll go to sleep. 

First, i think i have changed a lot this year. Last night, i tweeted something, 

"@khalid_murshidi: What i have learnt in 2013 ; worth more than what i have went through for the past 20 years."

Yeah, it is true. It is all start when i fall in love munirah ismail. Bloody hell, during the first phase of our relationship, this girl gave so many sorts of ache; headache, heart-ache and ache on my archilies. Hehe. I think she is the main reason why i changed so much, i think from the different point of view, because you know, this girl is so hard, so hard to win her heart. Jual mahal much :p thank God things getting better nowadays, and yeah, we love to argue and have the cute catfight, but i think she is the one. Ya, she could be the one, time will tell though. (Siti munirah, if you are reading this i love you so much) hehehe.

Okay, fuck this shit, i also have done stupid mistake this year. Maybe because i always have nothing to lose, but i do have many things to lose. You know, i lose more than 4k RINGGIT because of that stupid investment, fucker! Imagine how many things i could buy with all the cash. Ya, i have to do some mistakes in order to grow up, but still, i feel so stupid. 


The last but not least, i see a very obvious change in myself. I seems don't give a shit about so many things, and fortunately, i have found my own ego and often use it against people around me. It is like a form of defensive measure for me. Sometimes, it hurt the other person around me. I don't know. People changed, and i am one of the people.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

I want to be happy. Just happy. With you and you. But why it is so hard to achieve? 

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Mere Regret

I have a dream. This dream is very different from others. I have a dream that i do not want to feel regret, not anymore. I am done with that. Few days back, I went into a Equity and Trust tutorial, and the respected lecturer gave us a common tutorial question. As my fellow classmates were excited to answer the question, I was startled because I have no memory studying that topic. Then a random thought came across my mind, I regret taking this law course. I should not, at the first place, choose this field. I am starting to give, to regret my decision. Okay. My soul shaterred in pieces? Probably. I just confused whether I will succeed in this thing. Bloody hell. My mind is not in the capacity to digest any material right now. Apart from my relationship part, I think I am going down at the fastest speed. Keep calm and survive law school.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

One word









What went wrong?

I thought I would be happy with this new me. The new khalid murshidi. Yes, I do feel happy, most of the time, during the insignificant time, I do proud with this attitude. But during decisive moment, important hour, this attitude is just another bullshit. I can't solve any shit. It's a burden I have to carry on my back. At what part did I went wrong? Which flaw I haven't fix yet? Which one? To become flawless in a short period of time is merely impossible. I am not flawless. I am the flaw itself, the definition of flaw is me, from top to bottom. Can't argue on that point. Me and my self-proclaimed awesomeness and heartless is just another bullshit. Yek. This is not me, I want to be me. But as much as I miss the old me, I don't want to go back and fall again into the pit of misery. I don't know who I am, what I want and what will be the end. Like the Joker in the Dark Knight, I have no plan, I just do things to survive another day. I know I can survive, I know deep inside I am awesome. The only question is, whether I survived alone or with someone important beside me, holding hands and hugging? Well, just keep calm and survive.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

20 Feet and 5 Feet

I was sitting here, on the Cempaka 2 bench. Alone and listening to the Top 25 songs on the iPhone. Waiting for Munirah Ismail to finish her prayer. As my mind thinking about random thing, Alia with her gentlemen, passing by in front my eyes, about 20 feet away. I startled but kept my silence. Until Alia was no longer on my view. A few moment later, it was Pika who passed in front of me, about five feet away and our eyes stare upon each other. Nothing special with the stare and we exchange bitter and fake smile. It is not even a smile, it is more too neutral facial expression. A few weeks before, if these situations happened, I would shouted Alia's name and probably tickle and pinch her arm. I would pampered myself by being a childish to her. And for Pika, I would have a nice chit chat and gossip with her, ask whether she is okay or not, and probably I would asked her to go to the cafe to have tea time with me. These people were so close to me a few weeks ago. Very close.

Amazingly, both hypothetical situations didn't happen today. The blame is not on them neither the inevitable changes. Yes, the invulnerability of the layer can be control, it is just that I haven't found the right tool to control them and probably, I refuse to control them. These changes excite me and at the same time it is hurting me too.

But I don't even know who am I right now, and if you ask me the question, "what's up with all these changes?"

My answer will be ; "I have been asking the same question to myself for quite a while now. But do not worry, I will let you know when I have the answer. Up until then, lets respect the inevitable changes"

We can fix everything, except a few things which is beyond our control. Thus, we hand the broken one to be healed by the power of God and time. I think we are all okay, we are still close like the old days, few weeks ago. But..... things sometimes change or being altered beyond our control. Or perhaps, i really do possessed the temporary attachment issue. If any of you being hurt with my act, believe me, I suffered more. Thank you.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Stay

These few days have been very hectic and tiring days for me. There's no room for me to take five or have my own quality sleep. I like to sleep early at night, around 10 or 11 PM every night, when the housemates still wide awake, running their own errands, I already covered my face with the third pillow under the dim light. I miss home, yes I am. I miss the very comfortable queen size bed inside my parent's room. I miss the family. I'm on the viscinity of homesickness. Still, I have to survive, stay strong. Stay with everything, do not loss faith.

When I talk about stay, I think it is the closest word to define Khalid Murshidi. He always stays and rarely move, neither backward or forward. He stays loyal, be there to support person he cares the most and never turn back or push anyone out of his life. Then, the inevitable changes ruined everything. The cold layer, the thick fat heart and everything. They gave crazy dominos effects to me.

I never really push people I care away from me. Oftenly, I pamper them with pleasures when they are with me, like making them happy by giving them unexpected surprises and kindness. And I never expect anything in return for all the kindness I have done. It is God's work to repay everything. As I said earlier, I never really push people away. Probably, I just want to know whether they are ready to climb or even crack the wall when I start to build a very tough and invulnerable fortress which will be the boundries between them and Khalid Murshidi.

There are a few things I need to know too, I want the answers to come to me.

I just want to know who will give a sincere smile when I gave them them the coldest expression. Who will give a warm hug when they saw crystal clear tears in my eyes. Who will stay and chase me when I go astray. Who will text me when I switch off the phone. Who will buy me food when I have no money to eat. Who will come to me and ask whether I'm okay when they notice the undetected "fake" smile of mine. I just want to know, who will be there for me when I have nothing. Is it the familiar faces or the unexpected one? The answers surely will excite me. I don't expect any particular names to be on the list of answer, I just hope you, you and you will be there. I just want the chorum to be just enough. I have wronged before. A few people have take a step back, give the coldest reception to me whenever I met them after they realized these inevitable changes. Hence, another wrong will be a major blow and smack on the face which will make the layer become a part of the substances, forever. I won't force you to be there, since it is your right. But I hope you stay. Just stay. The best things are reserved for those who stay. S

" I don't want you to go astray, please stay"